Friday, May 15, 2009

13 Easy Steps to a New You

Self Portrait
mixed media on canvas

private collection, Richmond, Virginia

Ever look in the mirror and hate what you see? Ever feel like re-inventing yourself? Maybe as a rock star, movie star, or porn star? Come on. Admit it. You've always dreamed of being a spy.

Or a country western singer.

You know, deep down, who you are. Deep inside your restless soul a NASCAR driver is revving the engine.

It's really not that difficult to take on a whole new identity. No, I'm not talking about internet fraud. Or the Witness Protection Program. I'm talking about actual transformation of body, mind, and soul. Last month I stumbled on some powerful tools of transformation at Akelamalu's place. I've been trying them out, and they really, really work. I feel obliged to pass them on. Take them. Please.

Here you go: 13 safe, affordable, and highly effective ways to become The New You. (Just respond to the prompts in parentheses, and, like that, you're starring in a soap opera!) If you need to, bend the rules, alter the prompts. That's the name of this game.

1. My rock star name.
(first pet, current car):
Fluffy Lexus.
Hey, that sounds more like my porn star name. Purrrrrrrrrrr.

2. My gangsta name.
(favorite ice cream flavor, favorite type of shoe):
Moose Tracks Stiletto.

That's no gangsta name, sucka. That's a gangster name. But I'm down with it.

3. My Native American name.
(favorite color, favorite animal):
Cadmium Red Deep Dog.

Now that be the shiznit of gangsta names.

4. My soap opera name.
(middle name, city where I was born):
Gail Albertville.
Gosh darn, that sounds so innocuous. I was hoping to be the hot villainess everyone loves to hate. If I take my last name and pair that with the second name of the next to the last city I've lived, then count back three cities prior to that, and plug that one in the middle, we get:
Merideth Montgomery Francisco
That's more like it.

5. My Star Wars name.
(the first 3 letters of my last name, first 2 of my first name):
Or, we could take the name of my first crush, then pair that with something that's always above my head, plus an action I performed this morning with my dog Trudy. And we have:
Luke Skywalker

6. My Superhero name.
(my second favorite color, favorite drink):

Teallatte is the nemesis of Moose Tracks Stiletto.

7. My NASCAR name.
(first names of my grandfathers):
Tom Lewis.

Second names would have worked better:
Newton Powell.
Or maiden names of my grandmothers would've been best:
Carter Lackey.
Never mind. That's my country western singer name.
What about the second name of my husband and the second name of his father and the second name of his father?:
Joe Joe Thomas.
Or, better yet, let's skip this identity altogether. Who the hell said I wanted to be a NASCAR driver?

8. My dancer name.
(the name of my favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy):
White Diamonds Godiva.
What do you take me for? A lap dancer?

9. My TV weather anchor name.
(my 5th grade teacher's last name, a major city that starts with the same letter):
Kilcrease Kissimmee.
Roll over, Rob Marciano.

10. My spy name.
(my favorite season/holiday, flower):
Autumn Iris Christmas Rose.
I'm a double agent.

11. My cartoon name
(favorite fruit, article of clothing I'm wearing right now):
Pineapple Pantyhose.
Sponge Bob Square Pants' main squeeze.

12. My movie (or porn) star name
(current pet, laundry detergent of choice):
Trudy (2x ultra) All

13. My hippie name
(what I ate for breakfast, my favorite tree):
Moons-over-My-Hammy Sweetgum
...only if I was conceived in a Motel 6 next door to a Denny's in Tampa...
I wasn't, but...
Plain-Nonfat-Yogurt-with-Fresh-Strawberries-and-Organic-Almonds Eucalyptus a bitch to remember. Soooooo... inner (Southern) child will always answer to:
Grits Magnolia.
Handy. It's also my prize-fighter name.


Akelamalu said...

I love your introduction to the meme - I didn't know what to think, especially when I saw my name mentioned! LOL

Love your answers - you got some great aliases there! :)

San said...

Akelamalu, I meant to get over to your place and warn you!

Angelynn said...

Great painting. Love the bright bold colors..and the textures! Funny blog..I especially like Pineapple Pantyhose! LMAO

San said...

Thank you, Angelynn. That painting's one I consider "an oldie but goodie." Glad you liked Sponge Bob's friend.

adaelamoon said...

grits magnolia :-)

San said...

Has a nice ring to it, doesn't it, Adaelamoon?

Maggie May said...

Very unusual post!
Great painting. Maybe I ought to reinvent my self!
Minds gone blank! Too bad!

San said...

Maggie May, I believe "unusual" is a good word here. A very good word.

Thumbelina said...

Oh wow this is ace. You cheered me up no end. I have been in the dumps and this made me smile - along with your visit. Thank you so much for that.
Love these answers. They are great. And your self portrait is extremely expressive - brilliant work.

San said...

Thumbelina, you have cheered me in return. Thank you! I'm so glad you like the painting.

Hilary said...

Great fun. I have seen this a few times before, but they're always fun to read.. particularly when someone as creative as you add the commentary. Too funny. Love your self-portrait. :)

Anonymous said...

What a coincidence that I posted a video self portrait distortion on the same day you posted this!

Pineapple Pantyhose - under the sea with Sponge Bob. Yea! fun.

katie jane said...

This is cute, San. I'm not that imaginative so I'll just remain me.

San said...

Hilary, when I saw it over at Akelamalu's, I knew it was a meme after my own name. So to speak.


San said...

Chewy, that coincidence wasn't lost on me. I was hoping you would get by here.

San said...

Kate, I don't see you have any need to re-invent you. You're good. Really good.

Kim said...

San, I love, love, love this painting. So many parts really pull me into the middle of it...Fabulous! Okay, so this is quite a test here. I am afraid I am boring compared to you! Whew! I am thinking "Grits Magnolia" is pretty darn cool...wish I had of thought of it! :) Let's see, what is my best one (I actually did this)... Star Wars Name is 'Rodki', but I have to say 'Indogo Tea' sure does not sound like a Super Hero Name! LOL

Thanks San, this was truly what I needed in my lame brain state, right now!

San said...

Kim, I'm so glad you like the painting! Thank you.

And I'm glad you shared a few of your alter egos. Indigo Tea isn't so bad--there's power in that brew. What? Lame brain state--you???

Kim said...

Yup, I am truly a lame brain. I just returned from NYC a bit earlier today and feel like I have oatmeal brain!

So you like Indigo Tea...LOL

Have a Great Weekend, San!

Anna said...

San you are something else, lol. btw I was just watching True Lies, what a coincidence, lol - 'You've always dreamed of being a spy' - ok sometimes, but porn star, that is something we were laughing about when the sales rep this afternoon was trying to sell us satellite TV, lol, I was telling my husband I should have told him that all I want is 'corn' lol TV, I am farmer, and no leaves please...yeah we just have to laugh sometimes, just because sometimes some one is trying to sell us something we don't need....San excellent meme, and excellent introduction... Anna :)

Anna said...

Oh yeah I forgot to mention the painting, wow what a nice piece of work. Anna :)

SandyCarlson said...

That was fun. There's a classy, elegant theme running through this range of names.

I love the portrait.

self taught artist said...

san!!!!i sure do miss your blog posts, even your crazy ones.
i have absolutely nothing witty to say, i'm brain dead...but thanks for stopping by and catching up at my little blogosphere, i always like the energy.

Free Blog Directory said...

Very interesting blog thanks for sharing

Lee said...

LOL That was so fun, San! Guess I'll have to try some of them out. Love the painting too! It's awesome. I'll pop you a note after I'm back from the movie. I've got so much catching up to do! Aieee!

Love you!

Carol said...

Love the deep, rich tones of your painting.

And your names are colorful in more ways than one!

White Diamonds Godiva... ;-)

CoyoteFe said...

You are hilarious, as usual!
So about your self-portrait. Do you resemble a peacock with sunflowers? Yes. Yes, I think you do. :-)

The Gossamer Woman said...

Your self portrait is wonderful. You really do know how to paint and bring everything in balance and it's bright and colorful, just right!

I like your meme. Some of your answers are pretty funny and I think what I would come up with. Trouble is, I don't have a middle name and I'm using my maiden name. Some rainy Tuesday, rains a lot here.

Do you paint often and if so, do you always post your paintings? I'm very much interested in seeing more of them, because I like your style and would like to study it a little bit more.

I'm going back to you blog to find out right now.


murat11 said...

Some great names there, Ms New You, but I particularly like the Self Portrait: as with Tina's portrait of me (the one I am now using as my profile picture), I love finding ourselves amidst all our abstractions...

Daryl said...

I miss all of you when you are not posting but that painting WOWSA .. San, its superb

david mcmahon said...

Your ``gangster'' name works for me, San!

Lynette said...

San, I love the painting, it's awesome! That's so fun...all those names you made up, they're so imaginative and downright cool!!

Celebration of Life said...

Too funny! Hope you had a great weekend, San!

Philip said...

That painting is absolutely fabulous - not least for ther wonderful colours.

As dreamer (Pisces!) I constantly think of reinventing myself. Only trouble is I would like to go back in time when the world was less crowded! A caveman perhaps?

Blue Sky Dreaming said...

This is a bundle of laughs...oh what a difference a name makes! You could go places with the name Meridith Montgomery Francisco!!
Love the painting...colors so vibrant...a true self portrait.

Sparkling Red said...

Cute! My cartoon name is Applesocks. ;-)

jsd said...

this is fantastic thank you for sharing :)

Sabi said...

San, what a great self potrait.. For me the painting ask so many question it self.. its feels like alive painting and great answer.. keep it up ...well done


~Babs said...

What wonky fun!
My favorite is the Moosetracks Stiletto!
And yes, that it one gorgeous painting. Is it collage?

lime said...

you have the most amazing way of introducing memes. my dear, you are a PR genius. i must sit at your feet and learn this way.

shall we add our PR name?

of course how to generate it is entirely beyond me. lol

B.T.Bear (esq.) said...

Hehehe Mummy's arnser to the ferst wun is Tog Punto. HAHAHA!!!

The Moody Minstrel said...

What's scary is just how plausible some of those names are! This was definitely an entertaining read...topped off with a very colorful and thought-provoking painting.

sukipoet said...

got a few good chuckles out of these!

david mcmahon said...

Wavin' at ya from Australia....

Kim said...

Gotta love your sense of humor and it's reflection in your work. Thanks for the giggles.

Raven said...

Sorry to be so slow leaving a comment. I visited and read a while back and then got distracted and forgot to come back and say something. I think my favorite is your series of hippie names. Don't know if Grits Magnolia is hippy but it definitely has a certain je ne sais qua... (did I spell that right?)

Raven said...

Oh - as always, I love your painting.

Dianne said...

I love your gangsta name and your hippie name
you could be a gangsta hippie - invent a whole new genre!

indicaspecies said...

You crack me up San. Love the warm colors in the self-portrait!

Calamity Jane said...

Hi San, long time no see. I've got a lot of catching up to do as I've been idle for so long, I think I'll start with this meme if you don't mind, it made me giggle so much.

If they ever meet in a narrow alley I bet Moose Tracks Stiletto would kick Teallatte's perfect little butt but then they'll go on to fall in love.

Shrinky said...

Ahhhhhhhh, you have lived before, haven't you? Grin.

Daryl said...

Oh I am coming back to read this epic .. but I wanted to tell you if you read BritGal Sarah .. she's headed to Chicago to.. you should try to connect .. or not .. safe travel... have a ton of fun ...

Sarah said...

Oh, what fun! I may have to borrow this meme for a rainy day...

Thanks for stopping by! :)

surealiste said...

The painting looks spectacular. Reminds me of a similar atmosphere as those ancient aztec murals but with that eclectic modern appeal. Very eye catching and warm.The warmth of it reminds me of pineapple pantyhouse lol. If there is such a pantyhouse, I bet it would come in these warm, bright colors.