13 Easy Steps to a New You

Self Portrait
mixed media on canvas
private collection, Richmond, Virginia

Ever look in the mirror and hate what you see? Ever feel like re-inventing yourself? Maybe as a rock star, movie star, or porn star? Come on. Admit it. You've always dreamed of being a spy.

Or a country western singer.

You know, deep down, who you are. Deep inside your restless soul a NASCAR driver is revving the engine.

It's really not that difficult to take on a whole new identity. No, I'm not talking about internet fraud. Or the Witness Protection Program. I'm talking about actual transformation of body, mind, and soul. Last month I stumbled on some powerful tools of transformation at Akelamalu's place. I've been trying them out, and they really, really work. I feel obliged to pass them on. Take them. Please.

Here you go: 13 safe, affordable, and highly effective ways to become The New You. (Just respond to the prompts in parentheses, and, like that, you're starring in a soap opera!) If you need to, bend the rules, alter the prompts. That's the name of this game.

1. My rock star name.
(first pet, current car):
Fluffy Lexus.
Hey, that sounds more like my porn star name. Purrrrrrrrrrr.

2. My gangsta name.
(favorite ice cream flavor, favorite type of shoe):
Moose Tracks Stiletto.
That's no gangsta name, sucka. That's a gangster name. But I'm down with it.

3. My Native American name.
(favorite color, favorite animal):
Cadmium Red Deep Dog.
Now that be the shiznit of gangsta names.

4. My soap opera name.
(middle name, city where I was born):
Gail Albertville.
Gosh darn, that sounds so innocuous. I was hoping to be the hot villainess everyone loves to hate. If I take my last name and pair that with the second name of the next to the last city I've lived, then count back three cities prior to that, and plug that one in the middle, we get:
Merideth Montgomery Francisco.
That's more like it.

5. My Star Wars name.
(the first 3 letters of my last name, first 2 of my first name):
Mersa.
Or, we could take the name of my first crush, then pair that with something that's always above my head, plus an action I performed this morning with my dog Trudy. And we have:
Luke Skywalker.

6. My Superhero name.
(my second favorite color, favorite drink):
Teallatte.
Teallatte is the nemesis of Moose Tracks Stiletto.

7. My NASCAR name.
(first names of my grandfathers):
Tom Lewis.
Second names would have worked better:
Newton Powell.
Or maiden names of my grandmothers would've been best:
Carter Lackey.
Never mind. That's my country western singer name.
What about the second name of my husband and the second name of his father and the second name of his father?:
Joe Joe Thomas.
Or, better yet, let's skip this identity altogether. Who the hell said I wanted to be a NASCAR driver?

8. My dancer name.
(the name of my favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy):
White Diamonds Godiva.
What do you take me for? A lap dancer?

9. My TV weather anchor name.
(my 5th grade teacher's last name, a major city that starts with the same letter):
Kilcrease Kissimmee.
Roll over, Rob Marciano.

10. My spy name.
(my favorite season/holiday, flower):
Autumn Iris Christmas Rose.
I'm a double agent.

11. My cartoon name
(favorite fruit, article of clothing I'm wearing right now):
Pineapple Pantyhose.
Sponge Bob Square Pants' main squeeze.

12. My movie (or porn) star name
(current pet, laundry detergent of choice):
Trudy (2x ultra) All

13. My hippie name
(what I ate for breakfast, my favorite tree):
Moons-over-My-Hammy Sweetgum
...only if I was conceived in a Motel 6 next door to a Denny's in Tampa...
I wasn't, but...
Plain-Nonfat-Yogurt-with-Fresh-Strawberries-and-Organic-Almonds Eucalyptus
...is a bitch to remember. Soooooo...
...my inner (Southern) child will always answer to:
Grits Magnolia.
Handy. It's also my prize-fighter name.