Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Hell on Wheels

The members of the San Antonio contingent are sick puppies. They're obsessed with answering online personality questionnaires to the point of masochism. Still worse, they egg me on to ape their sad behavior.

I took the "What Color Crayon Are You?" test. I'm orange.

I took the "Are You Right-or-Left-Brained?" test. Right-brained. According to that one, it's a wonder I finished first grade. I mean--I do read, you know. So what if I follow the lines with my fingers? Right now I am typing with one hand, following the lines with my other. I call that daring, innovative, and highly intelligent. Yessir, my left hemisphere is firing like a munitions factory.

Next came the "What Movie Are You?" profile. I couldn't be some uplifting tearjerker like "It's a Wonderful Life." Of course not. I couldn't be something cool and controversial like "Sling Blade." No way. I wasn't even allowed the dignity of being associated with the desperate, bullet-riddled "Pulp Fiction." Not on your life. That might elevate my feistiness quotient. Me, I was mellow, drugged-out "Easy damn Rider." I never even saw it, for Chrissake.

The "How Old Is Your Inner Child?" test. Broke down. Took that one. I paint. I'm right-brained. My inner child must be tiny and cuddlesome indeed, I thought. Turns out I'm a troubled teen of 16. My inner child's idea of fun is shoplifting Clearasil at the mall.

I drew the line at "What World Leader Are You?" when I saw that JS was Adolf Hitler. Actually, that makes sense. I believe she's the one who started all of this test-taking.

And now Lee contacts me and says they've all--the San Antonio contingent--been consigned to hell and invite me to join them there. Some kind of Episcopalian she is! Come to think of it, that's their problem, every one of them--they're just too Episcopalian for their own good. And if they think I'm about to give up and spend eternity with a bunch of backsliding San Antonionians, well... looks like they're right. Here are my results:

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Second Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Purgatory (Repenting Believers)Moderate
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)Moderate
Level 2 (Lustful)High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)Low
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)Very Low

Take the Dante Inferno Hell Test

It coulda been worse. Lust isn't the worst thing to be guilty of. Is it? I learned that Helen of Troy and Cleopatra share my fate. That doesn't bother me. But the knowledge that Paschal and I are both consigned to the second level of hell and are orange crayons whose inner child is 16--that, my friends, scares the hell out of me.


b2 said...

So that's where those reds are coming from!

San said...

b2, you should take the test. You're bound to score in a higher level of hell than I. Wasn't I at your confirmation?

jsd said...

ahh the joys of slothing off in random quizdom - but I do have to note that alas my test on world leaders was Gandhi - ALT holds the illustious title of Hitler.

thanking for indulging with us :-)

b2 said...

I did. Eighth Level. Beats the shinola out of me what that means, but something tells me it's not good. Writhing serpents and excrement and all that truly gross stuff. And then I took a Personality Test which brands me a "Secret Agent." It was actually weirdly close. Go figger. I've forgotten what color I was when I took that one, orange or purple, I think. Which makes me think of the beautiful brown I get from overdyeing golden yellow with purple. Rambling brain.
Yes, you were there. It wasn't even the 80s yet.

San said...

JS, it was no doubt ALT who started up the eternal damnation of taking the tests. So the Hitler profile fits like a glove after all. (Don't tell her I said that. She must be really mean.)

The pleasure was mine, JS.

San said...

b2, I'm stunned. A Secret Agent writhing in excrement for all of eternity. Guess there's always somebody a little worse off. Still huger hug this time around. I'll risk getting the shinola on me even.

I once took a test that said I was cut out to be a private eye. Maybe we could go into business together. Purple & orange teaming up to make a beautiful, non-excrement, brown. We spy for you. We dye for you. That kind of thing.

HMBT said...

OMG! I am laughing so hard...too funny! I am a purple crayon, I took that one a while back...I'll have to take the hell test to find out where I AM!

San said...

Well, Heather, please let me know where you wind up. Those apple paintings you've been doing of late do display a little of the inner heretic.

Lee said...

ROFLMAO! San, That was absolutely hilarious! Welcome to the depths of Hell and Episcopagan humor. Glad you are leading the way for JS and me. We'll do our best to catch up with you and that other hedonist Paschal. (G)


Btw...b2 joined ALT in the 8th level.

murat11 said...

HMBT: I believe that you take the Inferno test to find out where "in the hell" you are.

San: Perfectly rational explanation for all this doubling: big sale on doppelgängers at the outlet mall in San Marcos.

San said...

Lee? ROFLMAO? What is the meaning of this acronym? Does it have to do with Chairman Mao? You were in a rolfing session with Chairman Mao?

b2 and ALT will keep each other good company. Real good.

San said...

Paschal, you and your syntax.

As to those doppelgangers, I could care less they're on sale. My inner child, remember, helps itself to whatever she pleases. BUT I did not take the doppelganger. I shot the sheriff. But I did not shoot the deputy.

And I did not, I REPEAT, I did not , take the doppelganger.

Lee said...

San, ROFLMAO = Rolling On Floor Laughing My A-- Off! And I really was. I laughed so hard I bounced right out of my chair. Wondering if Chairman Mao had a sense of humor. Also wondering if he knew what rolfing was. LOL

Joy! Joy! Joy!!!

jsd said...

So I was curious to what ROFLMAO meant and went to urban dictionary, and you'll never guess who's picture I saw...yep - chairman moa:

San said...

Another mystery solved, Lee. Now I'm ROFLMAO TOO.


San said...

JS, I went to the urban dictionary. Thanks for the reference. Now Lee has the answer to her question regarding Chairman Mao's sense of humor. He was LHAO!

The jury's still out on the rolfing.

B.T.Bear (esq.) said...

Me an Mummy wer yello crayons.

Now abowt the other stuff....

I'm a gud reeder but I like to reed owt lowd best an sumtimes if there ar lots ov lines all together I follo them wiv my paw.

Wat moovie wud I be?...hmm... probly the Simpsons Moovie, methinks... or The Jungle Book!

How old is my inner Bear? Erm. 8, I think. I've never met im.

Wat werld leeder am I? Erm. I don't like eny ov them. I think they're all upta sumthing.

Now fer the Dante thing... I'm in purgatory an Mummy's in Limbo. But I hope I can visit, enyway. An maybe I can tayle choklit.


Celebration of Life said...

I have no secret about getting into purgatory, I guess I am a good girl after all! LOL

San said...

Wow, Bob, thanks for filling in those sketchy details on your personality. Now you're a fleshed-out-real-live-bear in my mind. And quite a likeable chap, I must say.

Too bad about you and your mom being in different levels of hell. The visit with chocolate is brilliant, however. Come over to the Second Level too!

San said...

Jolene, I was thinking maybe you bribed the gatekeeper. : )

Celebration of Life said...

San: Is it possible to bribe the gatekeeper? There is a story of a man that wanted to bribe the gatekeeper so he took a suitcase full of gold bricks with him when he died. He gave it to the gatekeeper hoping his bribe would work. The gatekeeper questioned him, "Why would I want a suitcase full of pavement?" LOL

San said...

Nice parable, Jolene. Thanks for the laugh and the wisdom.

alt said...

Oh, I might be a closet Nazi. I might be halfway in the hand basket to hell. I might even be a compulsive test taker. But if there is one thing I’m not - I am no Episcopalian. I’m a neo-Pagan yoga-conscious sort of Unitarian Universalist unconfirmed Catholic, thank you very much. Don’t lump me into that zany crowd. I just hang out with those E-ers of the maligned San Antonio club for the good food and poetry. Glad to have sucked someone else in. :-d Love and kisses, alt (a.k.a. Bones, a.k.a Hitler).

San said...

Ms. Bones, please accept my humblest apologies for lumping a Yoga-conscious/neo-pagan Nazi/Unitarian in with the Episcopalians. I too would be highly offended.

I'll add you to my blogroll so's I can keep up with your antics, if that's possible.

david mcmahon said...

I just HAVE to say this because Humphrey Bogart would have loved it ....

Play it again, San

San said...

David, puhleeze! I'm done with answering questionnaires. Life is short.

Anonymous said...

I am a Purple Crayon.
Your world is colored in dreamy, divine, and classy colors.
You hold yourself to a sky high standard, and you are always graceful.
People envy, idolize, and copy you without realizing it. You are an icon for those who know you.
And while it is hard to be a perfectionist, rest assured it's paying off!

Oh Lord! Sounds like me.
Violet eyes would be cool. I wanted red. Not a choice. Damn!
I want white walls to show off my paintings. Had to pick neutrals, that's okay.

As for H-E-Double Hockey Sticks...
First Level of Limbo.
I selected that some people deserve to die. Now I suffer in Limbo.

San said...

Chewy, you always wanted red eyes? Guess you could boost your alcohol-intake. But then you'd lose your purple crayon status--your grace and high standards would be shot to hell, probably one of the higher circles.

I'd say those peepers look beautiful just the color they are.

Thanks for playing, Dar.

murat11 said...

Ms. San: check out the doppelganger's Dante comments for response to your understandable outrage. Mea culpa.

San said...


Dare I look? Now I'm really scared.

HMBT said...

OMG! I took the test and ended up in the 7th level of hell! Wow, I am one bad, bad grrrl. :)

San said...

Well, Heather, evil loves company, babe. Thanks for joining us.

Celebration of Life said...

Good morning San,

I had to LOL at Chewy's and your comments together! I was hoping to be purple since it is my favorite color and I chose to have violet eyes but nope, I'm a yellow! Yellow is an okay color, I have it as an accent color in my bedroom.

I hope you have a wonderful day!


San said...

Living in the Southwest seems to have altered my color preferences, Jolene. I really love warm colors now.

You have a great day too!